Note to self- don’t forget to shape this up and add some more

I am trying to put myself and my unfiltered thoughts out there in cyberspace, probably most of all to help me understand what’s going on with myself. I enjoy Ted’s manifesto but I enjoy Amusing Ourselves to Death by ____ just as much. I’ve thought about this much and it seems like the dudes who kill themselves don’t open up and are extremely lonely. (No, not sitcom lonely. The type of lonely where ‘Yea, killing a lot of people seems like a good idea because people have hurt me so much I cannot stand it. The type of loneliness where you start to hear voices, get all twitchy, and say the same things over and over.) Right now I’m thinking about Jean Vanier when he said ‘to be lonely is to feel unwanted and unloved, and therefore unlovable. Loneliness is a taste of death. No wonder some people who are desperately lonely lose themselves in mental illness to forget their inner pain”

I know this is terribly gross, taboo, and EXTREMELY off-putting to write about. It reminds me of when an older person, like mid 50s talks about their mom being mean to them and crying. I know it hurts them but it seems like they should’ve grown out of it, but I know that’s not true.

I’ve recognized the loneliness In Me, I think, and it seems like I can think clear enough to Write It Out. I feel extreme but bombing and killing people is Easy. I am Bombing and Stabbing my eGO. (I know this is lame. But it is how I think about it. I heard someone say they were hunting the truth after putting on a camo jacket. I thought it was funny but also kind of interesting. I think the same thing sometimes when I wear my camo hat. I laugh but I also think it’s interesting.)

A quick history of my loneliness

My dad spent days and days in the cabin. Without telling my mother where he was going, but she knew where he was.

I asked her about it later and she said he drank a lot, which I would have never guessed, but I guess he was good about hiding it.

So my mother was working a lot. I think she had a second part - time job just so my father could drink more.

I had my sister but she was much older than I was. I was had extremely late. Maybe an accident? I never asked. I’m good about not asking about questions I know would really keep me up at night. I compartmentalize really well.

I’m about the same age as my nephews, just a little older. It’s weird. I am my sister’s kid.

I could go on for thousands and thousands of words but basically my childhood loneliness boils down to “No Dad”

My best friend in preschool poured sand on my head. That’s all I can remember but it is on my loneliness map.

I didn’t go to college but started working at this factory in my hometown.

I dated a girl. I got fat. I ate McDonald’s a lot. She broke up with me because I got fat. She didn’t say I was fat but “big” and she wasn’t “attracted to me anymore”

After that I got even fatter. I went on diets by going to Chipotle and getting a diet drink. Seriously. After a year of fuzzy thoughts and terribleness and not being able to think, at all, for some reason I began to think again. Long story short I started growing my own food. A lot of veggies. After a few years I got down to a normal weight.

I’ve had worse things happen to me and this will fade but this will be with me all my life. I will probably go without thinking about it for a year, year and a half and something will remind me- maybe seeing the bottom half of a Big Mac box on the ground when I go for my town walks- I will remember these feelings and be swarmed by them for a day or two.

I have five or six extreme situations that impact me like this one, this is just the most recent.

I am so afraid of people, especially modern people, because many times they will say or act like other people and connectedness is the most important thing to them but if there’s an opportunity to advance socially they will take it 8/10.

That’s why I want to become Amish or at least affiliate myself with them totally. I’ve heard people say no one society is perfect or group or culture. True. But they are not equal. Nazi culture was terrible and not as good as ours, yea? I feel like people will compare two cultures and point out the + + - of both of them and realize they’re different but somehow walk away like they are somehow equal.

I asked an Amish friend if he has these extremely lonely or emotionally negative and impactful situations in his life and he said no. I asked him if others experience it and he said rarely. I don’t know if he didn’t understand me, doesn’t really know about others in his community (which I doubt) or if he’s right. The Amish seem like the safest bet for me. I can’t stay alone in this cabin for much longer.